Divorce is painful and messy.
It can break you down, piece by piece, if you’re not careful. I’m speaking from experience — I know firsthand how crushing the heartache feels. But I can assure you; it’s possible to rebuild your strength and even grow.
My story’s not unique. Many have grieved this loss and felt the betrayal before. But there’s a clear difference in how some stay stuck while others move forward.
I’ve learned much through trial and error, along with wisdom from others.
And I’d like to share these six steps with you, so you’re able to move forward and start enjoying life again.
But first, my story.
The Slippery Slope
After twenty-two years, my marriage had dwindled to its end. A lifetime. Infidelity and a mid-life crisis shattered our vows, but surely that wasn’t the cause.
Destruction had begun years prior — the affair was merely an aftereffect. When hints of divorce were first spoken out loud, my stability halted. The days were intense. Nights felt hollow.
I’d inwardly clung to hope of reconciliation as my world fell apart — wishing he’d reclaim his loss. But the moment I realized another woman had entered the facade of my insulated life, everything changed.
From our beginning, I’d made it clear that adultery was my line in the sand. Letting go was my only possible option.
Yet, starting over felt impossible.
He’d somehow become my all. And that was the most difficult of realizations to acknowledge.
I’d grown up with an independent outlook. I vowed early on never to be dependent on another — financially or emotionally. As a young girl, I’d watched too many of my mother’s struggles.
Still, here I was.
I questioned when I lost the leverage in my marriage. Was there a pivotal moment, or was it a gradual shift? What had prompted the transformation of my becoming a burden, unworthy of respect?
The next move eluded me. The unknown and uncertainty paralyzed my decisions. And before long, my once capable choices became nothing more than self-sabotage.
I woke up lacking aim.
My yoga mat developed a thick coat of dust, and effortless food became my go-to. My routines were no longer a priority. I wallowed in self-pity, sat miserably with shame. I judged myself for everything.
The mirror became my worst enemy. I found fault with my wrinkles, my too-soft body, and stretch marks from our babies.
I almost couldn’t blame him for leaving.
How was I going to start over? We’d already established our life. How did I become that woman traded in during midlife? Would anyone ever find me attractive again?
His new quest was young — just starting out in life.
Within that mindset, it’s hard to find an ending point. And removing ourselves from the cycle is more daunting than staying where we are.
I struggled with finding out who I was. Where I was going. I began stepping out, testing boundaries he considered taboo.
I went on my first-ever girl’s trip to Atlanta to visit an old girlfriend. We dressed up and went to a club she’d wanted to try out — it was known for cougars. I wore heels, a short skirt; I guess I looked the part. Though, younger men were not on my radar.
Nothing was.
From the start of the evening, men showered me with attention, more than I’d ever imagined. I felt young again — free.
It felt amazing to dance again, receiving special treatment. Late-night breakfasts at the all-night diner. A slew of phone numbers — though none that mattered.
The attention was addictive. Being taken for granted wears a person down over the years.
I started filling weekends with fun. Nights out with friends, focusing on my needs and wants. But I was living in ways that weren’t congruent with my ideals. I was still a mom. I wasn’t free to be free.
I struggled once again to define myself.
Weekend fun once consisted of going on hikes, biking, yoga retreats. Watching movies, cooking, training for half-marathons as a family. How, in a matter of a few months, did I lose the center of me?
I tried justifying my behavior, rationalizing it in my mind. After all, didn’t I deserve to have a life? But wasn’t this exactly what my ex was doing? Chasing youth and freedom?
My kids needed stability, now more than ever. And I was the only one to offer it to them. My momentum cascaded downward. I no longer trusted my intentions.
I had no desire to go backward. I exercised, ate healthy. I was a reliable, loving, and dependable mother. I knew something needed to shift. Staying in this place was painful and hard.
I needed time to process the unsuspected collapse in my life and figure who I was at the core.
So I went back to the basics.
I questioned what I stood for — whether my perceived values were his, mine, or ours. Disregarding my long-held standards brought about more feelings of instability, insecurity.
I sat with it everything and laid my life out.
I stopped going out and made amends with myself. I acknowledged that I felt like I’d let everyone down. I offered myself forgiveness. His betrayal was a hard blow — of course it was going to take time to plant my feet on the ground.
I know now it was okay to feel lost. This had uprooted our lives, it wasn’t something easily swiped under a rug. It’s important to offer ourselves flexibility and compassion when things aren’t going as expected.
There’ll always be good and bad days, it’s an ongoing process.
I’d held my marriage together to the best of my ability. But it broke — and I now understand I wasn’t meant to carry the blame or feel regret. I needed to focus on the here and now.
Our family still remained — with or without him. Someone needed to hold it together.
My kids needed me to portray stability and offer security. And it was a win-win situation. In the beginning, I hadn’t understood that stability also grounded me.
Once that realization came, I made changes.
I set my focus on reinventing life — on my terms. I wasn’t sure where I was going yet, but I knew it would be forward.
I asked myself what it was I wanted as an end result. I let go of things holding me back and kept what was working.
I incorporated more of myself back into my day.
I found that I — not we, liked getting into a made bed. Exercise, healthful living, and continually growing were also me, it never was an us thing. Going out with friends and having fun was fine, but not at an excess or anyone’s expense.
First and foremost, my job was to be an amazing mom.
I began prioritizing routines, even though I didn’t feel to do much of anything at first. I acted on my new plan and stopped allowing feelings and uncertainty to dictate my day.
Once I focused on my intentions, life began flowing in the most beautiful ways.
I now have clarity — a clear aim of where I’m going. But most importantly, of where I was.
Holding onto our purpose during times of crisis is what carries us through difficult times. It’s the one thing, in that particular moment, we have control over.
It takes time to heal, it’s not instantaneous.
The six steps below lifted and brought me through difficult times. It’s not easy to take action when life comes apart. But taking action is precisely what gives you back your strength.
6 Steps of Reclaiming Your Strength During Divorce
1. Movement
My first step of action was reintroducing movement. I started small but committed to 10 minutes of daily yoga and walks out in nature. It often turned into more. Start with small achievable goals.
Overwhelming yourself is counterproductive.
Sometimes, getting out of bed and facing the day feels next to impossible. When that happens, go outside, absorb the sunshine and move just a bit. Make an effort. You’ll feel better inside.
Moving changes your energy, inside and out. Eventually, I started back up in swimming, biking, tennis, and hiking. If you incorporate things you love, it doesn’t feel hard.
2. Learning by example
The next step was learning from others that had already walked the path. I often listened to audiobooks while walking trails through the woods.
They were focused on healing and thriving through a divorce. Overcoming obstacles and pursuing growth.
I give most credit to the book “What I wish I knew before my divorce” by Elaine and Joseph Foster. This gem helped me with acceptance and instilled hope for my future.
I listened over and over until it stuck.
I also listened to Eat, Pray, Love more times than I could count. And the movie, over and over again. It gave me hope and inspiration.
Possibilities.
Learn from others, heal, and focus on growing rather than staying in the same place.
3. Support system
After absorbing multitudes of sage advice, one of my biggest takeaways was the importance of having a support system.
Fortunately, I’d built one without even realizing it. It came in numerous forms — words of wisdom from books, friends, family, and faith.
Having support was a crucial part of helping me find and realize my strength.
If loved ones are abundant in your life, that’s amazing. Lean in. It’s your time to receive some much-needed care.
If you don’t have many connections, it’s okay. You can start with reading and joining support groups. So many people are going through the same loss. It’s an excellent way to rebuild and make new acquaintances.
Having people to connect with is an essential part of healing.
4. Where’s your focus?
Another practice that’s stayed with me is the focus of our thoughts. Every day we choose what gets our consideration. Yes, things still pop up, but we have a choice of whether we’re going to linger there or direct our attention elsewhere.
It’s not perfect in the beginning, but it gets much easier with practice.
I’ve concluded it’s not worth giving any more power to the past. Instead, it’s about living in the present and building positive steps towards the future.
5. Letting go
This was another important step. I understood you couldn’t possibly control another’s actions or choices, but knowing and doing are two different things. Once I put this into practice, a transformation happened.
It’s accepting that the only thing you can control is your thoughts and actions. Therefore, what another does or doesn’t do is no longer any concern.
It’s about letting go and trusting you’re on the intended path, even if you don’t yet know the specifics. It’s not easy — I get it. But, this is where we have to trust that all is as it’s supposed to be.
Releasing your grasp on the situation allows for inner peace.
6. Forgiveness
It’s crucial to the healing process. In the beginning, there’s an array of emotions flooding your thoughts. Disbelief, anger, hurt, and so on. It’s a repetitive cycle until we reach acceptance.
Understand that even if you’re justified in your feelings, it’s only hurting you. Again, having a support system will help with this.
Consider that when you offer forgiveness, it’s not excusing the behavior. Instead, it’s releasing you from the pain.
“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”
― Shannon L. Alder
It’s true. When you offer forgiveness, your heart opens to an entirely new world of possibilities. You’re able to focus on healing.
Offer them peace in your heart and mind. You don’t even have to tell them. It frees you.
Rebuilding Your Life With Purpose
Even though it may not seem like it now, the one thing we have control over during divorce is our response.
Reclaiming your life takes intentional effort. And taking these steps to nurture ourselves is a crucial part of rebuilding our strength. It’s one of the best investments we can make.
Hold onto you. It’s what anchors and creates stability in your time of need.
Grieve the loss, it’s important to process what happened. But don’t stay there too long, letting go will allow your forward momentum to build. Life continues whether we actively participate or not. We’re the only ones that can show up — it’s genuinely the only control we have.
I know it’s hard to imagine at this moment, but you’ll come out stronger on the other side.
—
Previously Published on juliegaeta.com
iStock image
The post 6 Steps to Rebuilding Your Strength During Divorce appeared first on The Good Men Project.